Five Postpartum Truths You're Never Told

Monday, February 22, 2016

They say that sometimes the unknown is better however in this case I would totally disagree.  Becoming a mother is a world you know exists but you have know idea how it exists until you experience it.  Motherhood is full of unknowns and you will continue to learn on this journey forever and ever amen.

But the biggest surprise I had about motherhood was the postpartum part.  I mean seriously, why didn't anyone every warn me about these things?  That's why I'm being a good friend to tell you the five most important things you should know about your postpartum body.

You're welcome.

1.  You bleed like a mofo.
I had lunch with my friend Jordan a few months before I had Cohen.  She was a new mom at the time and thank God for her because otherwise I probably would have been a hot mess.  Her words exactly, "It's like a scene out of a horror movie."  And she couldn't be more accurate.  Be prepared - those first 24 hours are a bloody mess my friends.  Embrace the mesh underwear, mini diapers and crotch ice packs from the nurses because you will realize how you appreciate their friendship.

2.  You thought you had to pee when you were pregnant...
Face it.   Your peeing abilities will never be the same.  The more kids you have, the worse it gets.  Unfortunately I have always had issues controlling my bladder.  Three kids later and I should probably become a spokesperson for Depends.

3.  You think twice before bending over
Your farts now have a mind of their own.  Laughing, coughing and sneezing all come at a price now.  Not only will you be trying to control your bladder but you will be praying to God that no one heard the stinker you accidentally ripped.   Chances are they slip out when you didn't even feel it coming.  Facts of life now.  Like I tell my kids at school - everyone farts.

4.  You Will Shed 
And I mean you will shed to the point where you could quite possibly make a wig collection that would put Kim Zolciak to shame.  I think this is the one thing that drives my husband crazy.  My hair is everywhere - in the shower, on the floors, stuck in the lids of the kids' sippy cups.  Surprisingly though you actually are left with hair at the end.

5.  You Will Get the Boobs You Always Wanted
But they come at a price.  They will leak when someone mentions the word, "baby" and hurt like a mother if you go longer than 4 hours between feedings or pumpings.  They are perky and perfectly shaped but a huge serious, mess.  And they don't stay.  They actually become flat pancakes when you decide to dry them out.  It's quite sad, especially after all of the hard work you put into the whole thing.

If you're reading this then you most likely already realize that motherhood isn't all rainbows and puppy dogs.  But my hope is that you don't show up to the party completely unprepared.  Just keep your eye on the prize -- because trust me, event though you will probably pee your pants when you laugh 99% of the time and have to buy a training bra in the pre-teen section at Target, your babies are totally worth it.


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